Is Your Parent a Narcissist? Understanding the Disorder from the Child’s View

Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a mental health condition characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance, a lack of empathy, and a need for admiration. When a parent has NPD, it can have profound effects on their children that last well into adulthood.

While we all go through a "narcissistic phase" as children, narcissistic parents fail to grow out of this phase and continue to view their children more as extensions of themselves rather than as separate individuals. The narcissistic parent uses their children to feed their own ego and self-esteem. This results in a lack of empathy and emotional neglect.

Children of narcissists often feel invisible, unimportant, and unloved by their parent. Overtime, the effects can lead to low self-esteem, people-pleasing tendencies, perfectionism, and difficulties forming healthy relationships. Even as adults, children of narcissists struggle to validate their own emotions and needs after a childhood of neglect.

Signs of Narcissism in a Parent

Narcissistic parents often exhibit a lack of empathy towards their children and have an excessive need for admiration. They believe they are superior and entitled to special treatment. Some common signs of narcissism in a parent include:

Lack of empathy - A narcissistic parent is unable to put themselves in their child's shoes and understand their feelings. They may dismiss, ignore or even belittle their child's emotions.

Excessive need for admiration - Narcissists have an insatiable appetite for praise, compliments and displays of admiration from others. They feel they deserve constant adulation.

Sense of entitlement - Narcissistic parents believe they deserve special privileges and that normal rules don't apply to them. They assume they should get preferential treatment.

Exploiting others - Narcissists have no qualms about taking advantage of others to serve their own interests. They may manipulate or exploit their children to meet their own needs.

Exaggerating achievements - Narcissists inflate their own accomplishments and abilities. They are prone to bragging about themselves and embellishing their talents.

Requiring perfection - Narcissistic parents often have impossibly high expectations for their children. Nothing their child does is ever good enough.

Hypercritical - Extremely critical of others, narcissists focus on the negatives and seldom offer praise. They belittle their child's looks, talents, friends, choices.

Blaming others - Narcissists don't take responsibility for their actions. They shift blame and make others feel guilty for their own mistakes or misdeeds.

How Growing Up with a Narcissist Parent Feels

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can be an emotionally painful and damaging experience for a child. The narcissistic parent is often so self-absorbed that the child's needs for love, attention, and nurturing often go unmet. Children of narcissists commonly experience feelings of emotional neglect. A narcissistic parent typically shows a lack of warmth and empathy toward the child. Love and approval are often conditional, based on whether the child is successfully meeting the parent's needs and expectations. The parent's interest and engagement depends on what the child is doing for the narcissistic parent in that moment.

This conditional love leads the child to feel like a possession rather than a person. The child learns that their worth depends on catering to the parent's needs, not on their own intrinsic value as a human being. A deep sense of emptiness, anxiety, and depression can result. The narcissistic parent also uses the child to regulate their own self-esteem. The child may be showered with praise one moment when they do something that reflects well on the parent, then harshly criticized the next when they fail to meet the parent's standards.

Long-Term Effects on the Child's Personality

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can have lasting effects on a child's personality and sense of self-worth. Some common issues that may persist into adulthood include:

Low Self-Esteem

Children of narcissists often internalize the idea that they are not good enough. Their parent is constantly putting them down, criticizing them, and making them feel like a disappointment. As a result, they grow up believing the negative things their parent says about them. This can lead to chronically low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and difficulty accepting compliments or positive feedback.

People-Pleasing

Children learn that the only way to get approval from a narcissistic parent is to constantly please them. So they become obsessed with meeting the parent's expectations and doing whatever it takes to avoid disapproval. This people-pleasing tendency often continues into adulthood. They have difficulty setting healthy boundaries in relationships and saying no when they want to.

Perfectionism

Narcissistic parents expect perfection from their children. Nothing they do is ever good enough. This instills a strong inner critic and a compulsion to be perfect. As adults, they apply unrealistically high standards to themselves and struggle with perfectionism. They fear making mistakes and letting people down.

The Narcissistic Parent's View of the Child

For a narcissistic parent, the child is often seen as an extension of themselves rather than an autonomous individual. The child becomes a source of narcissistic supply that the parent uses to regulate their self-esteem and feel admired. Essentially, the narcissistic parent relates to the child in a way that supports their fragile self-image, rather than recognizing the child as a separate individual. The child is valued for their ability to provide validation, rather than loved for who they are. This leads to feelings of being used in childhood that can last well into adulthood.

Coping with a Narcissistic Parent

Growing up with a narcissistic parent can be incredibly challenging and leave lasting impacts. Regardless of age, there are some strategies that can help you cope and minimize the damage to your self-esteem and wellbeing.

Establish Boundaries

Setting firm boundaries is an important way for adult children of narcissists to protect themselves. Here are some tips:

• Reduce contact: Limit interactions with your narcissistic parent to brief phone calls or occasional visits. Don't share too much personal information. Keep conversations superficial.

• Don't react to guilt trips: Narcissists often try to control their children through guilt and emotional manipulation. Recognize these tactics and don't allow yourself to be swayed. You have the right to set limits.

• Focus on your needs: Keep the focus on taking care of yourself. Make self-care a priority.

• Be consistent: Stick to your boundaries consistently, even if your parent protests or tries to cross them. Consistency helps reinforce the boundaries.

Get support

Connect with friends, a support group, or a therapist to validate your experiences and get encouragement for maintaining boundaries. You don't have to do this alone.

Setting firm boundaries requires determination and practice. But with time, it allows adult children of narcissists to take back control of their lives and heal. Put your needs first.

Understand It's Not Your Fault

The narcissist's behaviors and the dynamics in your relationship are not your fault or responsibility. Narcissists project blame onto others, but you are not the cause of their disorder. Accept that you cannot change them or earn their genuine love and approval. Focus on your own healing and fulfillment.

Accepting What You Can't Change

Accepting that you cannot change your narcissistic parent's behavior is an important part of coping. As painful as it is, you have to come to terms with the fact that your parent likely will not change or get better. This doesn't mean you have to like their behavior or continue subjecting yourself to abuse, but you do need to adjust your expectations.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you've tried implementing healthy coping strategies but still find your narcissistic parent's behavior negatively impacting your mental health and ability to function, it may be time to seek professional help. Here are some signs it's time to reach out: You feel constantly stressed, anxious, or depressed after interactions with your parent. Your self-esteem has deteriorated from being criticized and belittled. You struggle to maintain healthy relationships and boundaries with others. You have trouble trusting your own perceptions and feelings.

While you can't necessarily change your narcissistic parent, with professional guidance, you can change the way their narcissism impacts you. You can learn to disengage from their manipulations and prioritize your own emotional needs. With time and effort, healing is absolutely possible. You deserve to be treated with empathy and respect - and a qualified mental health provider can help you achieve this.