Always Triggered in Your Relationship? Understanding Emotional Regulation

Do you ever feel like your emotions are controlling you, rather than the other way around, especially in your relationships? If so, you are not alone. Many of us struggle to manage the fluctuations of our emotions, and struggle with emotional regulation.

Emotional regulation refers to the ability to effectively understand, manage, and express emotions! It involves recognizing triggers that may cause emotional reactions, regulating the extent of those reactions, and choosing appropriate responses.

For example, imagine you are in a meeting with your boss and coworkers, where your team is facing criticism for a project. Your teammate Sarah, who has good emotional regulation listens and agrees with the feedback without becoming defensive. She takes note of the constructive criticism, stays calm, and later reflects on the feedback to improve her work. In the same meeting, your other teammate Sam struggles with emotional regulation.

As soon as the criticism starts, he becomes defensive and interrupts, arguing with colleagues rather than listening. His emotions quickly escalate and he raises his voice, making it difficult for others to communicate. He eventually storms out of the meeting, unable to constructively respond to the criticism.

This example clearly demonstrates the importance of emotional regulation in everyday interactions, and how people with strong emotional regulation skills are able to overcome difficult situations.

Emotional regulation involves three key components:

➔ Initiating actions triggered by emotions➔ Inhibiting actions triggered by emotions➔ Modulating responses triggered by emotions

Initiating actions triggered by emotions

People initiate actions in response to their emotions. This is an important component of emotional regulation, allowing us to express ourselves authentically and interact with people around us.

For example, when someone is happy, they may initiate actions such as hugging a loved one or celebrating with friends.

This is the ability to suppress or control impulsive reactions caused by our emotional responses. This component of emotional regulation allows people to avoid acting impulsively in situations where such actions are unencouraged. For example, when angry, inhibiting actions triggered by your emotions may involve refraining from yelling or engaging in physical confrontation, thereby avoiding potential harm to oneself or others.

Modulating responses triggered by emotions

This component of emotional regulation involves regulating the intensity and manner in which we express our emotional responses to fit the specific situation. This allows individuals to respond appropriately to different situations without becoming overwhelmed by their emotions. For example, when feeling sad, modulating emotional responses may involve seeking comfort from loved ones while also addressing the root cause of sadness, such as self care activities.

Impact of Unregulated Emotions on Relationship Dynamics

Have you ever noticed how heated conversations with your partner can leave you emotionally drained and confused?

Richards, Butler, and Gross (2003) conducted research that explains why our emotions often flare up during these intense conversations. They discovered that how we manage our emotions during difficult conversations can have a significant impact on how we remember them later. For example, when we try to see the bright side of an argument, we remember more of what was said. On the other hand, if we try to hide our emotions, we might remember less of the conversation itself, but our emotions stand out more vividly in our memory.

Common Triggers in Relationships

Many people wonder why certain situations or interactions with their partner can trigger a flood of emotions. If you've thought about this, you're not alone.

Here are some common triggers that can spark emotions in relationships:

Insecurity or fear of abandonment

Insecurity or fear of abandonment can significantly affect relationships, making it hard to form long-lasting and loving bonds. This frequently manifests in a variety of ways, such as feeling the need to be perfect to avoid rejection, tolerating criticism or emotional abuse to avoid being alone, or hiding our true selves due to a fear of feeling inadequate.Additionally, the fear of abandonment can trigger strong emotions such as shame, sadness, loneliness, and anxiety, leading us to act in ways to ease or avoid these feelings (Skeen, M., 2014).

Communication Breakdown and Conflict

When communication fails or conflicts occur, emotions can run high. Misunderstandings, disagreements, or unresolved issues can escalate tensions and cause feelings of frustration, anger, or hurt. Miscommunication occurs when people fail to accurately convey an intended message, which is often caused by factors such as differing views, language barriers, or a lack of clarity. “We’re all human”, as philosopher Seneca stated in her book Miscommunication and error. In A. Hannawa & B. Spitzberg (Ed.), Communication Competence (2015).

However, these communication mistakes can have a significant impact on our relationships, it's important to address them with emotional awareness and regulation.

Past Trauma and Unresolved Emotional Wounds

Past trauma or unresolved emotional wounds from previous relationships may resurface in current ones, causing emotional distress such as trust issues, anxiety, or difficulty forming intimate connections. Memories of past traumas may resurface, leaving people feeling as if they are reliving the pain.

These experiences can trigger emotional responses/reactions, making it difficult to manage emotions within relationships.

For example, imagine someone who has experienced betrayal in a past relationship. Even minor acts in their current relationship, such as their partner arriving home late without notice, may trigger intense feelings of anxiety and suspicion, comparable to their pain in the past. This unresolved emotional wound makes it difficult for them to control their emotions, causing them to act abruptly.

Unrealistic Expectations and Unmet Needs

Unrealistic expectations or unmet needs in a relationship can trigger emotional responses such as disappointment, resentment, or inadequacy. People who hold unrealistic expectations of their partner, such as expecting them to always know what they need without communicating or expecting perfection in all aspects of the relationship, set themselves up for disappointment.

Similarly, unmet emotional, physical, or social needs can lead to feelings of frustration, loneliness, and neglect. For example, if one partner consistently fails to acknowledge or address the other's need for emotional support during a hard time, it can cause resentment and emotional distance in the relationship.

Strategies for Learning Emotional Regulation

Mindfulness Techniques

Mindfulness involves developing a state of present-moment awareness, which can significantly improve self-awareness and emotional regulation skills. One effective way to begin this activity is to dedicate a few minutes each day to mindfulness meditation, which involves focusing on one's breath or bodily sensations while observing one's thoughts and emotions without judgment.

According to research, making mindfulness a regular part of your life not only makes you feel better, but it also boosts your brain power. It's like giving your mind a daily workout, which helps you stay focused, improve your mood, and see things from a new perspective.

Mindfulness does more than just calm your nerves; it also builds emotional resilience and prepares you to handle relationship challenges with clarity.

Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Coping is the conscious use of thoughts and behaviors to deal with internal and external stressors. Coping styles are classified into two types: reactive coping, which involves responding to stressors as they arise, and proactive coping, which involves anticipating and addressing future stressors before they become too overwhelming. Various coping scales measure the type of coping mechanism individuals present, which include;

Problem-focused coping

Problem-focused coping involves interacting directly with the source of stress. Rather than reacting suddenly, individuals try to understand, address, and resolve the main cause of their problems.

Problem solving includes assessing the situation, identifying specific challenges, and developing effective solutions to overcome them. This could include breaking down challenging problems into smaller, more manageable tasks and developing strategies to address each component.

Emotion-focused coping

Emotion-focused coping focuses on managing the emotional response to stressors rather than directly addressing the underlying issue. It focuses on regulating and processing emotions in order to reduce distress.

Example:

Expressive Writing: Expressive writing involves putting thoughts and emotions into words like journaling or creative writing. It provides a safe space for individuals to express themselves and process their emotions, allowing them to explore and understand their feelings. Externalizing their emotions on paper allows people to gain perspective, and release those pent-up emotions.

Meaning-focused coping

Meaning-focused coping involves trying to find significance or purpose in difficult situations. Individuals using this coping skill aim to find meaning from their experiences rather than just problem solving or emotional regulation, helping them mentally grow.

Examples

Cognitive Reframing: Instead of viewing a difficult situation as a failure or something they cannot handle, individuals try seeing it as an opportunity to grow. This is a technique for shifting your mindset so that you can see a situation from another perspective, think of it as looking through a camera lens.

Social support: Individuals can seek emotional support and advice from friends and family members. Sharing their experiences and receiving encouragement from others helps them gain perspective and look at their situation differently.

Types of Therapy for Emotional Regulation

Seeking professional help such as therapy or counseling can be extremely helpful in navigating emotional regulation as well as encouraging emotional healing. Research has shown the beneficial effects of different therapies such as:

Emotion regulation training (ERT):

ERT focuses on developing skills for managing and regulating emotions effectively. Individuals can learn to identify, understand and cope with their emotions in constructive ways by using techniques like mindfulness exercises, emotion labeling and behavioral activation.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT):

CBT is a therapeutic approach for identifying and challenging maladaptive thought patterns and behaviors that contribute to emotional distress. By changing negative thinking and implementing coping strategies, CBT promotes healthier emotional regulation and helps depression and anxiety.

Implementing Emotional Regulation in Relationships

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Setting boundaries and communicating your needs are highly important aspects of a strong relationship.Think of boundaries as the invisible lines that separate you and your partner. They are not walls, but rather guidelines that provide a safe environment for both of you. Your boundaries are about telling others what you're okay with and what you're not, teaching them how to treat you properly while also giving you respect. Does this make you curious if your relationship boundaries are on the right track? To determine whether a boundary is healthy, consider whether it fosters mutual respect, emotional safety, and clear communication within the relationship.

Collaborative Problem Solving

Collaborative problem-solving and mutual support are necessary for maintaining a healthy relationship. This is a process that begins with problem recognition. Both partners must acknowledge the existence of a problem and understand its underlying causes. For example, if a couple is having financial difficulties, one partner may notice the problem after having difficulty paying bills, followed by determining the causes of their financial strain, such as a lack of income or excessive spending.

The next step is to determine a resolution strategy. Both partners should discuss potential solutions and determine each possible outcome. For example, if the challenge is to balance work and personal life, they may consider a variety of approaches, such as adjusting work schedules or prioritizing time together.

Finally, after implementing the resolution strategy, partners evaluate its effectiveness using problem reappraisal. They assess whether the method they selected effectively addressed the issue and make changes as necessary. This approach not only addresses immediate concerns, but also promotes deeper understanding and growth in the relationship.

Understanding and managing our emotions effectively allows us to navigate conflicts with clarity and compassion, resulting in deeper connections with our partners. Remember, you don't have to suffer in your relationship—instead, encourage yourself to practice emotional regulation, and find strategies to create a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.

Sources Used

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